Over the hills and through the woods..

I love coming to my grandma's. It's a chance to catch up with family and stop stressing so much; all is right with the world (for the most part) when I'm here. I can just sit back (forget the rest of the world) and enjoy everything that goes on while I'm around. The best part? Everyone here loves me! It's fantastic! I only wish I had more time to spend down here. This semester (yes, that's right y'all; my life is measured by semesters and summers) I've only gotten to visit a couple times, and it depresses me a bit. I miss the summer when I stayed here for a couple weeks. Even though I was working full-time then, I still got to relax a lot more than I do now.. I guess it's all a part of growing up (and being a college student). I mean, come on, I'm a junior in college, I'll be 21 Thursday, and I'm sitting here whining about how I miss being a kid because I can go to my grandma's whenever I want. Maybe not 'whenever', but you get the idea. Oh, the woes of growing up... Well, here's to getting through this semester relatively unscathed so I can spend some time relaxing at my grandmother's house! Yeehaw!!

Fear

So today I realized what the problem is..

I'm scared. Not so much that I  can't move for fear that something will go wrong. No, it's different than that. I'm scared of rejection and losing friendships and not being good enough. That's what keeps me from putting myself out there. I wish I could just forget about it and move past it, but it cripples me some days. I can't do some of the things I've always dreamed about because I am so afraid of showing people the real me...

I feel better now that I've gotten that out of my system.. Moving on. ;)

After the pity party..

Well, yesterday was actually pretty awesome. Even though I didn't get to go to the festival, I was super productive! I'm feeling really great about it today; less stressed out and not as much catching up to do. Feeling pretty fantastic.

On the other hand, I just met this guy and am having 'crush-like' feelings about him, but I don't think I'm ready to put myself out there, yet. And I don't think the feelings are reciprocated, so maybe I should just leave it alone for now.  However, one of my best friends thinks I need to just jump on it already... So maybe I'm just dragging. I'm not afraid; maybe sort of nervous, but not scared. I feel like I'm moving too fast, though. Letting myself get too attached before I know where he stands, but I'm  probably just not on level with him. I don't really know. I really should just forget about it for now and concentrate more on classes and getting through before I go about pursuing something that will just end up sucking for me anyway because it's never going to go the way I planned... 

Okay.. /rant. *breathe* I gotta remember to just be sometimes. At times, that's all it takes. And I need to get out more with my friends, stop getting so deep before things move forward, and just be me.

In the beginning

So.. I've always wanted to do something like this; always dreamt of becoming a writer some day: a great novelist. Somehow, I have this tendency to end things before they ever actually begin, but that ends today! However, I have a feeling that this isn't going to be at all what I intend... We'll see where it goes!

Today, I realized that I give way more often than I receive (in relationships of any sort). I don't know why I try so hard.. Yes, I like people to be happy, but I want to be happy, too! Is there something so wrong with that? Today, I had plans to go the the Now & Zen Fest in SF with one of my closest friends, but I guess she forgot that I was going to be back the night before and assumed I was still gone on my field trip to the forest. It just kind of hurt that she left me behind, but at the same time I feel like maybe I'm just being a big baby about the whole situation. Maybe it was just a lapse in communication, but I still wish she would have called or messaged me before she left, just to make sure.. Oh well.. I guess I'm being too hard on her.

So maybe I'll just take someone else with me!